New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored
New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back",
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating
my Almond Joy.
New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently
televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and
New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule 15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule 16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?"
"He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was
attempting to be nice.
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