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(These may have come from Bill Engval, I don't know.)
Idiot #
1
I am a
medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this
woman called in
very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured
her
that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She
calmed down, and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some
ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into
the
Emergency room right
away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with
pride.
Idiot #
2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing
employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the
747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. When
they took it for a float on the
river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them surprised them. It turned
out that the chopper was
homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no
longer employed at
Boeing.
Here's your
sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A story out of San
Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a
stikkup.
Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began
to worry that someone had seen him write
the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because
it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He
was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of
America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He
probably couldn't read it
anyway.
Idiot #
4
A motorist
was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar
and
photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of
payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter
from
the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his
$40.
Another
sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking
about)!
Idiot #
5
Guy
walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After
the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on
the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because
I
don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him
because he didn't believe him. At this
point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the
police
and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber
two
hours later.
(Remind me
to have more signs printed up. Give this guy
his!)
Idiot # 6
A pair
of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot
him.
(This guy
doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
cinder block
through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
it over
his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him
unconscious. Seems the liquor
store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
video
tape.
(Oh, that
smarts. Give him his sign!)
Idiot #
8
Ann
Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 12:50
A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said
he
couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they
weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed
to vote!