Dilbert Quotes

All too real-life Dilbert quotes. A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday & employees will receive their cards in 2 weeks. (This was the winning entry) Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. - Lykes Lines Shipping

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? -Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. - Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. - Advertising / Marketing Manager, UPS

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. - R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing / 3M Corporation

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged & she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. - CIO of Dell Computers

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." - Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation [This is a good parenting tool - a version of "because I'm the Mom" which I used a *lot*.]

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the Company is not going to discuss it with the employees. - AT&T Long Lines Division

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above," - Microsoft, Legal affairs Division

11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" - New Business Manager, Hallmark Cards

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs & materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo I was called into the HR Director's office, & was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, & once he looked the word up in his dictionary & made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with Company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. - Taco Bell Corporation

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

14. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks & I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." - R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing, 3M Corporation

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