![[IMAGE]](greenguy.gif){kind=small}
Andy Rooney on Prisoners:
Did you know it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty
thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free
room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day
on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
Andy Rooney on Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,"Married!" and walking
away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off
the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
=================================
Andy Rooney on Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up
and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I
look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
=================================
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say,
"I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood".
=================================
Andy Rooney on Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice
people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of
the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think
I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
Andy Rooney on Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker
on her car that reads, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes
you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
=================================
Andy Rooney on Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering
machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah - this is the VD
clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop
sharing the love."
=================================
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'
=================================
Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been
spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease
research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number
of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections... who can't remember
what to do with them.